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There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for illegible handwriting in the business workplace. If you can’t write legibly so that normal human beings can read your handwriting, then find another job.

Perhaps operating a tollbooth, or digging ditches.

Those great big bubbly girly letters don’t count either. Those are sometimes even worse. If they are anything other than an “”l”, “t”, “x”, or “y”, the reader is screwed because they all look the same. Anything with a loop in it which, by my accounts, is virtually every letter in the English alphabet, looks like a cutesy little bubble.

Sure, it may be cute, but when your sentence reads like this, “oblobob boblo coblob dibbladob”, what good is it?

It’s fine if you work at home, or for yourself. However, if you work in an environment where other people have to read and decipher your God awful chicken scratching, you need to make a point to either slow down and write legibly, or hire someone to do it for you.

There is no excuse for putting other people through the aggravation of having to deal with your inability to slow down and write clearly.

I find it quite amusing, looking back, how different things turn out from the way we expect. I’m not speaking of any event in particular, just life in general. It’s not a bad thing. I just find it rather humorous, in a divine sort of way, that things never turn out the way we think, plan, or intend.

Sure, we set goals, and they often are realized, but are the details in between ever exactly how we would have imagined? Often times, even our goals change. They take the shape of our new ideas and thoughts. Soon, you’re looking back and thinking yourself a fool for your original goals. Not because they were bad, but more so because they were ill informed, naive.

Are we ever really going where we think were going? Sure, small things. But the big picture? Career? Family? Friends? Location? Sure, there are extremely driven people out there who make everything they say come true. They painstakingly create their future. These people motivate me.

However, that is a very lonely path. That kind of focus, drive, and determination is the kind that alienates and isolates. I am not saying it is bad, but I know that I am far too relational of a person to live that kind of life. I need interaction. I need conversation. I need input. These things are part of who I am. So, while I find their drive and determination to be motivating, I have to learn to balance that with my need to interact, talk, and build relationships.

Four years ago, I would have told you exactly where I was going, how I was going to get there, and what was going to happen along the way. I was naive. I was not being honest with myself, nor anyone else. I had ideas and goals, but a roadmap was nowhere to be found. To be honest, even if I had a roadmap, it would have been a very lonely road to travel.

I still have career goals. I still have plans. However, now I know that the details are what makes life interesting. Where those goals take us. Where our plans lead us and how they change us. How many lives we can touch on the way. These are the things that make up the journey.

I’ve been thinking a lot about pacifism lately. Watching documentaries, reading historical accounts, bits of philosophy, many passages of scripture, and various other pieces here and there have led me closer to embracing the idea of pacifism. However, as I read outside sources and form my own ideas and positions on the idea, I find that many of the ideas commonly held about pacifism are misunderstood. Likewise, some of the ideas I posit as alternatives to conflict may not be held by pure pacifists. In the end, it may turn into an entirely different position.

I won’t be writing about it now though, as I plan on this one being a fully cited and lengthy piece. It’s something I really want to put together. Primarily for myself, so that I can get all of these thoughts, ideas, facts, and misinformation together in an organized, possibly publishable, work. I plan to use my time this summer, free from class and homework, to organize, write, and edit this piece.

At the moment, what’s in my head could reach an indeterminate length. I intend on putting a cap at 15 pages. So, for those that often read my stuff and find themselves taking bathroom breaks, you may want to consider getting very comfortable, because when it is finished and up for reading its going to be long. Perhaps not book length, but about double my usual which, for some, may as well be a book.

Anyway, why am I prefacing a future piece? Accountability I suppose. It’s something I’ve been contemplating and working through for the last year and I feel like it will eventually fade if I don’t have some sort of motivation to get it all out of my head and in print. Also, I need to stay on the ball with all of my writing because it helps me organize and filter my thoughts, keeps me sharp, and in the end helps me wind down. Plus there’s the added benefit of the satisfaction of completion. There’s nothing quite like that feeling you get when you finish creating something and are pleased with the final product.

So, if you read this and see me out or talk to me occasionally, ask me about it. It will motivate me to stay on it and perhaps finish it by my self imposed deadline of September(ish).

So I’ve been doing a lot of pondering on human nature and the human condition. This is not something new, as I tend to spend a lot of time thinking about things like this from day to day. However, recent leisurely readings as well as readings for various classes have added fuel to an already burning fire of thought on the matter.

One idea in particular that I keep coming back to is this notion of control. It is something that we all have and/or lack in some capacity. I would even go as far to argue that it is not an and/or situation. I feel that it is something that we all have and lack simultaneously. There are areas where we have control, and areas where we lack control. However, this is not the issue that I find the most intriguing. What intrigues me most are the ways in which we exercise control and how that control changes us.

Control in and of itself is not at all a bad thing. Self control, for instance, is unquestionably a positive trait. Self control can go by many terms. Discipline, restraint, and willpower are just a few of the words we use to describe self-control. It is doubtful that anyone could successfully argue a bad connotation for any of these terms. So in this respect, control is certainly not a bad thing. It is when the control shifts from oneself to the exertion of control over other people that it becomes an altogether depraved beast.

Unfortunately, this control seems to be a deeply seeded part of our nature. For the purposes of distinguishing between simple control and the beast within, I would argue that this type of control be referred to as manipulation.

I feel we have all seen it in one form or another. We have all experienced the thrill of manipulating and the pain of being manipulated. Even the most righteous, well meaning souls have found themselves exerting control over someone in ways they never imagined. I’ve seen it in myself, and I see it every day in people around me.

Part of how we manipulate people depends on our relation to them. Family and friends are often manipulated in less obvious ways. Guilt is a powerful thing. It can move someone to stop doing something they know they shouldn’t be doing, or it can be used to manipulate someone into producing a desired action or inaction. I am amazed at how often and to what degree people resort to using guilt as a tool. Guilt, of all tools available, is the most universal of those in our manipulation toolkit. The interesting thing about guilt is that those using it as a tool often are oblivious to their actions. Throughout their lifetime, they have developed a pattern of using guilt to manipulate and turn a situation to their favor and, after some time, they subconsciously learn that guilt produces results. Therefore, since it produces results, it becomes standard practice for getting people to do what they want. Interestingly enough, they are oblivious to their actions, and are often oblivious to the effects of their actions outside of the directly intended results as well.

It’s upsetting that we treat our loved ones in such a way. By using them as a means to meet an end, we reduce them to objects which exist solely to be manipulated. But to do it without even recognizing it is a problem within itself. It is often said in many texts, in many ways, that ignorance is no excuse for our actions. I would tend to agree. So then, what are we to do? Educate ourselves on our own nature? This I’m not sure is entirely possible. Perhaps evaluate the nature of others? This could be one way. But unless we then take that evaluation and apply it to ourselves, we are simply acting as passive observers.

In contrast to the way we treat those closest to us, the way we treat those we don’t know should be an obvious indication of our own depravity. Rather than using guilt and sorrow to get what we want, we use niceties. Now, some would say that being nice is the only way to get things done, and I do not disagree. However, the niceties and manners that we use with strangers and minor acquaintances are often nothing more than masks; fronts used to manipulate a person or people into agreeing with or complying with our requests and/or fulfill our need to be heard and given attention. Quite often our only reason for being cordial and mannerly is so that the people we are interacting with will offer good service or products. Our public image is really just a mask, a self that is manipulated and projected in such a way as to produce a pleasant experience with little friction and acceptable service.

Consider conversation; very seldom is it that we actually engage in conversation and interaction with others out of a desire to exchange ideas. More often than not, we engage others for no other reason than to elicit a response to which we can respond. In other words, we engage others to create an opportunity to be heard. This, I have found, is universal among the majority of the people I have met. There are very few people whom I have met that seem to be genuinely interested in other people. Even these people, I am certain, will have their moments. We all do. As a matter of fact, I would argue that most of humanity, in its most altruistic, philanthropic state, is primarily focused upon the fulfillment of self. We give to feel good; we give to feel right; we give to satisfy a desire or a duty; but ultimately, we give because it does something inside of us. Not because we want to help another person. Certainly not because we feel a desire to sacrifice of ourselves. We do these things because of what they can do for us.

Think about babies. Everyone loves to talk about babies being innocent. There are even people that believe that all children, up to a certain age, go to heaven. Consider this; children are abundantly more manipulative and controlling than adults, they are just ignorant of such wrongs. Wait, ignorance? If we are to be held accountable for our depravity with ignorance being of no excuse, then we are like children in their ignorance, and, therefore, children should receive no exceptions. From birth, children, although unable to communicate, learn, within a matter of months, that particular actions and gestures get results. Perhaps a small consideration could be given for those that cannot verbally communicate, but those able to speak still continue these manipulative ways into their toddlerhood and childhood, so what is to be said of them? I would argue that it cannot and does not just start. It is something we are born with. An innate selfishness. Children have it, teenagers have it, and adults have it. A desire to fulfill the self, and drain everyone else.

Even more disturbing is how this desire for self fulfillment, the same desire that leads us to manipulate others, leaves us wide open to being manipulated as well. Just as we easily and unknowingly manipulate people to meet our own ends, we can be manipulated to meet someone else’s ends. So often I have seen in myself times when I am using others around me simply because I know they desire the company, or the conversation. It is likely that I am responding to some form of subconscious manipulation on their part. More accurately, we are both likely responding to the manipulation of the other. We are often oblivious to those manipulating us. Sure, there are the obvious leeches in all of our lives, but we have become so conditioned to their type that we buffet ourselves. The others, the ones that demand from us in other ways, are the ones we must consider. A little here, a little there, and soon we’re left with nothing of ourselves. So we in turn find our own prey, and the cycle continues.

It’s quite a sickening feeling; to sit back and realize that you are using someone to fulfill your own selfish desires. Even more sickening is when you realize that the person you are using, at the root, is really searching for the exact same thing. We all crave attention. Whether an introvert, or extrovert; bookworm or celebrity; we all need to be seen, heard, and attended to to some degree. Recognizing this need, alone, is not enough. Recognizing that we are capable of using others to meet that need is also only part of the solution.

Realizing that we will resort to deceptive means; means which are deceptive to ourselves as well those we manipulate; that is a good place to start. It is not a remedy. On the contrary, I have known this very fact for years and have continually caught myself using those around me in various ways, both large and small, to achieve an end. Much like everything else in life, it is a process. Every day I attempt to treat people as more than objects. At the end of the day though, when reflecting back on the days events, I often realize that most attempts, and sometimes all, have failed miserably.

I’d like to think that I am a good person. I like people, I enjoy their company, and I make friends easily, but I still find, on a subconscious level, that I am disturbedly narcissistic and manipulative. I want things for me, I want people for me, and I want my life to be mine. When confronted with this, and when contrasted with the person I strive to be, I am ashamed and hurt. I am physically sickened by my own depravity.

It hurts to know that these things exist inside of me. What hurts more, is seeing that reflection of myself in other people. Some say that we often observe in other people the things we hate most about ourselves. That statement, to me, is painfully true. This depraved nature; this thing that will do whatever it takes to be number one; at the center; seen, heard, and felt, yet never sated; this is something which I observe in everyone and, at the end of the day, when I look in the mirror, I see it in myself as well.

God help me. God help us all.